Friendships Hurt

Friendship hurts, there’s no doubt about it, and all relationships hurt at some point in time or another.  We’re human; we make mistakes and hurt each other’s feelings.  Sometimes we get mad at each other and say things we shouldn’t, other times work, school, or other commitments drag us away and we lose touch.  The truth of it is, the only people that can truly hurt us are the ones we care about.  When we don’t care anymore, that person doesn’t have the power to hurt us. Although we all hurt from friendships, I think maybe it’s a little worse for nine year olds.

As adults, we have had time to learn how to negotiate the ups and downs of relationships, when to walk away for a breather or even for good.  We’ve learned how to accept the hurts of friends that move away, or those who disappoint us.  I don’t think though we have to deal with friends that are lost because of others in the way that kids do.  As adults, if someone else in our life or the friends life causes issues, we can exclude the problem person, and if need be, the toxic individual can be removed from the equation all together.

That’s not the case for kids.  When a kid makes a friend that is a bad influence, parents will find a way to distance the kids from, or even forbid interaction.  What’s worse is when the parents can’t get along, and it interferes with the relationship between the kids.  When everyone lives in the same area, at least the kids can still see each other in school and other such places.  And typically, if the parents are just that different, the kids probably are too and eventually they’ll finish things off themselves.  What about when your kid’s best friend has toxic parents?  What do you do then?

When we moved, Georgia was living with Barbara’s best friend’s Mom and helping her out.  The woman had asked to have Georgia stay, room and board in trade help around the house and if she had problems.  She even offered to pay Georgia’s car insurance so Georgia could run errands when her disabilities made it hard for her to get around.  Georgia didn’t have a license or permit yet, so she offered to help teach Georgia to drive.

In making a long story short, Georgia was there taking care of this woman’s emotional needs, I became Georgia’s chauffer, and occasionally hers, and then Georgia had to help make sure there was food in the house and more.  The woman was toxic.  After she was evicted leaving Georgia in the lurch, she ignored Georgia and I’s attempts to reach her, and then months later she comes back and threatens Georgia.

I already had one child abused by this toxic individual; I certainly couldn’t let her have access to the other.  Barbara is crushed.  She cried the entire time home from Boys and Girls club this evening, and cried some more in my arms because she is finally passing through denial and into grief.  She has lost her friend, and won’t be able to see her again.  Friendsship hurt. 

As adults, we have some control over our friends.  When they act inappropriately, we have the sophistication to say something or act in an appropriate way.  We have the power to choose where we visit a friend who is in a toxic relationship and have the ability to leave if the toxic person comes around.  We have some semblance of control.

Kids have no semblance of control when it comes to friends with toxic family members.  They are helpless.  As parents, it is our job to raise our kids in a healthy, or as healthy an environment as we can.  It is our responsibility to make sure our children know what appropriate behavior is and what is not.  They don’t have the cognition to understand how to protect themselves or even get away if need be.  They are at the mercy of the adults around them and if someone is a threat to their wellbeing, whether it is physical or mental it is the job of a parent to protect them from that individual.

Friendships hurt. We may be able to protect ourselves when friends are having a tough time.  We can understand the importance of a move for a friend and we can even facilitate visits and phone calls.  As adults, we can learn to work around hurtful parts of relationships, and often can make the choice to step away if need be.  We are capable of working around toxic members of a friend’s family.  When you are nine years old though, you can’t, and you are stuck with the helpless feeling that you have lost your friend, and there is nothing to do about it.  Why do friendships have to hurt?