The Halloween Party

Barbara Ann wanted to have a Halloween party.  I wanted to do it for her, but didn’t have a clue when a good time would be, so I had gently declined a few times.  I’m not sure what was so different last Thursday evening, but something was and we set a date, or tonight.  It had to be the day before Halloween because I teach a class on Thursday and it isn’t over until 6:00 p.m.  I made up some invitations and gave them to Barbara to take to school on Friday.  We didn’t hear from anybody over the weekend.  I didn’t hear a word during the week, and thought it was only going to be BA, Georgia, and me.  I had put RSVP for directions on the invitation so I could get a headcount.

Well, the calls (or texts) started rolling in this morning.  We ended up with four third graders over to watch A Corpse’s Bride with Barbara Ann.  Since I had gotten Monster University, the girls voted to watch it instead although they didn’t watch much of it after all.  I had planned the movie to be the main activity so I wouldn’t have to do much and since that was what Barbara wanted to do.  Being little girls, they did get bored, especially after the sugar kicked in.  I’m glad I didn’t have any games planned, because they created their own.  They had a ball.

So, with the help of the “Awesomest Big Sister Ever”, I got a chance to shine as the “Awesomest Mom Ever” even if only for a few hours while Barbara and her friends had a ball.  I’m so glad I had this opportunity to share with my daughter a bit of her childhood, and part of the magic that comes with getting to invite a group of friends over.  I hope we can do this more often, although I will try to do it at a time when things aren’t so crazy and work and we can plan for it a little better.  Christmas isn’t that far away, I can see another party in the future, although this one will have a little more planning.

Friendships Hurt

Friendship hurts, there’s no doubt about it, and all relationships hurt at some point in time or another.  We’re human; we make mistakes and hurt each other’s feelings.  Sometimes we get mad at each other and say things we shouldn’t, other times work, school, or other commitments drag us away and we lose touch.  The truth of it is, the only people that can truly hurt us are the ones we care about.  When we don’t care anymore, that person doesn’t have the power to hurt us. Although we all hurt from friendships, I think maybe it’s a little worse for nine year olds.

As adults, we have had time to learn how to negotiate the ups and downs of relationships, when to walk away for a breather or even for good.  We’ve learned how to accept the hurts of friends that move away, or those who disappoint us.  I don’t think though we have to deal with friends that are lost because of others in the way that kids do.  As adults, if someone else in our life or the friends life causes issues, we can exclude the problem person, and if need be, the toxic individual can be removed from the equation all together.

That’s not the case for kids.  When a kid makes a friend that is a bad influence, parents will find a way to distance the kids from, or even forbid interaction.  What’s worse is when the parents can’t get along, and it interferes with the relationship between the kids.  When everyone lives in the same area, at least the kids can still see each other in school and other such places.  And typically, if the parents are just that different, the kids probably are too and eventually they’ll finish things off themselves.  What about when your kid’s best friend has toxic parents?  What do you do then?

When we moved, Georgia was living with Barbara’s best friend’s Mom and helping her out.  The woman had asked to have Georgia stay, room and board in trade help around the house and if she had problems.  She even offered to pay Georgia’s car insurance so Georgia could run errands when her disabilities made it hard for her to get around.  Georgia didn’t have a license or permit yet, so she offered to help teach Georgia to drive.

In making a long story short, Georgia was there taking care of this woman’s emotional needs, I became Georgia’s chauffer, and occasionally hers, and then Georgia had to help make sure there was food in the house and more.  The woman was toxic.  After she was evicted leaving Georgia in the lurch, she ignored Georgia and I’s attempts to reach her, and then months later she comes back and threatens Georgia.

I already had one child abused by this toxic individual; I certainly couldn’t let her have access to the other.  Barbara is crushed.  She cried the entire time home from Boys and Girls club this evening, and cried some more in my arms because she is finally passing through denial and into grief.  She has lost her friend, and won’t be able to see her again.  Friendsship hurt. 

As adults, we have some control over our friends.  When they act inappropriately, we have the sophistication to say something or act in an appropriate way.  We have the power to choose where we visit a friend who is in a toxic relationship and have the ability to leave if the toxic person comes around.  We have some semblance of control.

Kids have no semblance of control when it comes to friends with toxic family members.  They are helpless.  As parents, it is our job to raise our kids in a healthy, or as healthy an environment as we can.  It is our responsibility to make sure our children know what appropriate behavior is and what is not.  They don’t have the cognition to understand how to protect themselves or even get away if need be.  They are at the mercy of the adults around them and if someone is a threat to their wellbeing, whether it is physical or mental it is the job of a parent to protect them from that individual.

Friendships hurt. We may be able to protect ourselves when friends are having a tough time.  We can understand the importance of a move for a friend and we can even facilitate visits and phone calls.  As adults, we can learn to work around hurtful parts of relationships, and often can make the choice to step away if need be.  We are capable of working around toxic members of a friend’s family.  When you are nine years old though, you can’t, and you are stuck with the helpless feeling that you have lost your friend, and there is nothing to do about it.  Why do friendships have to hurt?

Living in the Lap of Luxury

            

             This morning after I finished my morning yoga (two days in a row woo whoo!) the cat took over my yoga mat so he could have his turn.  As he was getting good and comfortable which coincided with my trying to roll the mat up so I could put it away, I pointed out to him that “not everybody can live in the lap of luxury like this.”  I looked around my dinky little single wide trailer and suddenly got a kick out of that statement.  Then I realized that I had today’s blog topic.

            As I went to grab the camera to take a picture of said kitty, I was thanking God for giving me a blog topic, and then additionally reminding me to bring my camera for work, I started contemplating this lap of luxury we live in.  I realized that my little trailer house isn’t dinky, my little trailer house is humble.  It is unpretentious, as big as I need it to be, and a whole lot more than many people in this world could ever dream of.  We do live in the lap of luxury here at the Armadillo house, because we truly have everything we need.

            To start with, we have a dishwasher.  Our last home was a lot bigger, but it didn’t have a dishwasher and we had to do all of the dishes by hand.  Wow, what a luxury.  Our little abode has three bedrooms, and there are only two of us, so the spare room now houses the pet rodents, the litter box, and is a storage area for our Christmas decorations, linens, tools, etc.  We have more than enough room for the two of us, and if we did have more room, what would we do with it?  Buy more stuff? 

            The cats (and dogs) get fed twice a day, and the cats have acres and acres to play on.  The dogs have a little dinky yard for now until I get more fencing up, but hey, once that fence is up, their yard is going to be huge!  We have woods to go hiking in right here; we don’t have to drive anywhere.  We even have a creek just about a hundred yards from the house.  We also have some of the greatest trees for building a tree house in, it’s just a matter of deciding which one and then building it.

            When I talked to the cat about living in the lap of luxury, I had meant it.  At that moment, as far as I was concerned I live a luxurious life, and then I remembered we live in an older, small single wide trailer.  I had a moment there where I questioned my luxury, but the Good Lord at that moment gave me the wisdom to realize that I truly do live in luxury.  I can’t imagine living anywhere else.  We may not have a lot of square footage in our house, but we have more than enough outside of our house.  I have a warm comfortable bed; I’m surrounded by loving animals in addition to an awesome little girl.  I have a great job, wonderful parents, and a grown daughter that loves to spoil her little sister.  What more could I possibly want?

            Yep, here at the Armadillo house, we live in the lap of luxury.  God has blessed us well as he’s given us the greatest blessing of all.  God has given us enough.

The Crochet Fix

Barbara Ann has been wanting to learn to crochet for quite some time now.  She’s been begging for a couple of years and I’ve been putting her off, repeatedly.  I just haven’t had time to teach her.  At one point this past summer, my Mother taught her how to do the chain stitch, but wasn’t able to get much further than that.  “Once we’re settled in,” I had said “I will teach her.  I have loads of yarn and plenty crochet needles if I ever find them all” and I had meant it.  As Barbara Ann has been asking lately, it’s been the same old tired excuse.  “Once the house is clean and your room is clean, then we can pull out the yarn,” I had told her on more than one occasion.

Yesterday, we cleaned house.  We finally had a free day, and I was motivated, and… I found a way to motivate Barbara Ann, kind of.  First, since the Halloween costume she believes she must have costs a whopping $50.00 (which includes the wig that has to be bought separately) I figured she was going to have to earn that one.  No clean room, no costume.  Next came the T.V. restrictions during the week, and then this past Thursday at the Boys and Girls club where she goes after her UIL practices, someone taught her the crochet single stitch.  Yep, I capitalized on that one.  I also had resorted to giving her ADHD medication to her on the weekend.  The results were a clean (enough) room.  Then of course she held me up to my bargain with the crochet.

So last night and tonight, in front of the T.V., Barbara and I were crocheting.  As I was diving into the blanket that has set aside for years that I had started for Miss B, my fingers enjoyed the activity and my mind started brooding about the upcoming NaNoWriMo.  ‘I should be plotting and planning,’ I was thinking to myself.  As I contemplated putting the yarn away and hitting some writer spreadsheets for character building and such my mind started wandering away again (as it tends to like to) and some ideas were percolating in my mind.  I toyed with some things I would like to do with my upcoming novel, contemplated how to implement them, and even started considering some written but unrevised works of the past.

Tonight as I continued to crochet, my mind did some more swimming.  Ideas were popping up and puttering out, some thoughts on how I can do things were trying to grab hold, and I had nearly put the yarn up to write this blog, looked at the blank Word page and put the computer up and continued crocheting with my daughter.  More thoughts trickled in and out, and I contemplated the cover contest for NaNoWriMo I had read about earlier.  Then it hit me, like a baseball bat to the head.  This is just what my novel needs, time to percolate, and I continued to crochet with my daughter as I let my brain do its thing.  It’ll come, that great novel waiting to be dreamed up and written, it’s building itself in my subconscious and I need to respect that about my writing process.  I have ten more days to percolate before NaNoWriMo begins, and at the rate I’m percolating, I’m sure I’ll have my start ready to go on November 1^st.

So, I’m getting ready to head back to the internet to post this to my blog and then check out that cover contest.  I can feel the power of the NaNo kicking in.  Just ten short days to go, and it’ll be time to type that first word of my next novel.  I can hardly wait.

My October 20th 2013 resolution

Today is cleanup day, and when I say cleanup day this time, I really mean cleanup day.  We are never home long enough to really get to it, and besides not quite being moved in, we just haven’t been picking up after ourselves.  I’ll admit it, it has been worse than a pig sty and I’ve been embarrassed every time I come home and horrified at the thought that someone might come over.  So, today, we are going nowhere.  The T.V. is now off until everything is cleaned up.  I have set my alarm to go off every hour, so we have an hour of cleaning and an hour off.  I am using my hour off to write, and then maybe read a little.

In my hour (actually it was about 15 minutes before I remembered to set the time so really about an hour and fifteen minutes) I have managed to find floor over a good section of the living room.  In my personal little corner it was mostly trash that had accumulated because I hadn’t done anything with Barbara’s papers from school, mail, etc., etc.,etc.  There was a nice group of stuff in containers hiding the seriousness of it from me, and those have all been relocated to keep that from happening again.

Barbara Ann, being a very creative nine year old has this way of  turning garbage into treasures that trash up the house as they accumulate and then get destroyed.  One of her favorite items to create with is empty boxes.  We are extremely challenged there since we have so many empty boxes around from moving.  The box creations end up crushed on the floor and intermixed with all the creations from scraps of stuff from here and there, not to mention the mountains of drawings this kid creates.  I of course don’t help since I want to save every drawing she does, so I really am working on not creating a monster.

Once I get all the trash up and the floor swept, I’ll be steam cleaning it since I have one of those handy dandy steam mops.  I am not going to bother to wait until New Years to make a resolution; I’m making my October 20^th 2013 resolution today.  What is cleaned up now will stay cleaned up, what is yet to be cleaned up will not be made worse, and I am never letting this happen again. 

There are a lot of things I am working on to better myself as a person, and this is one of them.  Housekeeping has never been my thing, and it’s one thing to let things go a bit and have dirty dishes in the sink and a dish washer that needs to be unloaded and re-loaded.  It’s another to let things go like this and live like a slob.  So, I’ll be heading back to work in about twelve more minutes or less, and taking yet another step towards the better, new and improved, retooled me.

But I Just Wanna Write Something Fun!

With 17 days to NaNoWriMo the other day, I was so proud of myself as I came up with a brilliant idea for this year’s challenge.  I was going to write an anti-love or anti-romance story.  I wasn’t planning it in a negative way, I was going to be writing it as a story of someone learning to accept herself, maybe it would be a love story in that she would learn to love and accept herself.  As I was jotting down notes, I realized I was planning a memoiristic type of tale.  That was good really, I thought.  I saw it as a good message, started drifting away from making it fiction and turning it into a true memoir.  All was well and I was happy.

Two days later, as I’m percolating on this idea and reading some fun fiction people are writing I realized that no, I don’t want to do that, I want to write something fun.  I want to create something and make something new and exciting.  I even decided that this realization would be a great blog topic.  Kudos for me.  I play with some ideas, think maybe I should write the sequel to Hybrid Factor, this great story that really needs to be edited  (Boy have I learned a lot since I started that project)  and now I’m second guessing that one too.  So, where am I on making a plan for NaNoWriMo you may ask?  Nowhere, again.  I’m still trying to decide what to do.

Now I’m reading My Side Of  The Mountain to BA for our bedtime story, and I’m thinking ‘maybe a good kids’ adventure tale.  Ugh! What to do now?  I’m making it a point to read a lot more and I know I’ve got to keep an open mind.  I used to have so many stories buried deep inside, but I can’t seem to remember any of them.  I know I want horses in there, dogs would be nice as well.  I haven’t decided on whether or not I want kids involved.  I also thought about doing Horsieville from an adult’s perspective.  Horsieville is a novella I put together in the spirit of all of these horsie series that are so popular today. Of course Horsieville, much like Hybrid Factor are these wonderful stories penned out, never edited that are collecting dust since they are nowhere near publishable.

The good thing is however, that my creative juices are flowing again as I look at all the possibilities to write.  The old dried up stories are starting to come back to life as I float through ideas.  I have faith that when the time comes I will be ready to make a decision and go with it.  This idea I’ll develop is going to start flowing from my fingertips and become an addiction much like getting stuck in a good book does and I can hardly wait.  The anticipation of the coming month has me feeling excited and I am enjoying my near daily excursions to the computer to tap out another blog post, a little something to get me warmed up and limber.  I can feel my brain percolating as all these pieces of ideas go floating around in my head and I keep doing my best to feed it.  NaNoWriMo is just around the corner waiting for me, and I’m getting my focus on for the upcoming event. 

How about you, do you want to NaNoWriMo with me?  It’s going to be great fun and it’ll give you a chance to get that inner literary genius you have hidden deep down inside out for a lap on its own.

The Hunt

The time has come to find Barbara Ann a counselor.  This comes as no great surprise to me, let’s consider her environment.  Barbara is the product of a broken home; therefore, she lives in two households.  Both households share a major change.  The oldest sister has graduated from high school and moved out, one to college in a faraway town, the other to a nearby town where she works a career developing full time job and a socially developing part time job.  Both older sisters have a ‘Mommy’ complex, which accounts to the matriarch sibling has left.

Here at home, we have recently moved.  Although a good move, it is still a move.  There is a new school, new environment, new friends, and a completely new way of life.  Now that I’ve graduated from college, my evenings after my one (yep that’s right, only one J) job tend to involve Barbara Ann.  There’s no more ‘go watch something, I have to finish my homework’ anymore.  While that is an excellent outcome for any child, she is also now an only child and is expected to take responsibility for her actions, her room, etc.  This is a very positive change, but any change is stress producing.

We are isolated, there are no friends across the street to look out and see if they are home.  There are no annoying neighbor girls that we love to be able to not play with.  There are no kids around at all, just us.  And then, there are the changes at “Dad’s” house.  Now the youngest of three instead of four, the new oldest sibling is severely mentally ill, developmentally delayed, and has a similar working age to Barbara Ann.  The next youngest is the displaced youngest child that has, it appears, really stepped up to the challenge.

We won’t bother going into the ADHD, that is just an add on for now.

So, I figured I’d pick up the phone and call our old family counselor.  She retired.  What about her partner?  She doesn’t see children any more.  So, that leads me to the hunt.  There is the cost of counseling to consider, but Barbara Ann has insurance, so that should be okay.  Notice the important “should” there.  As I get comfortable searching through Psychology Today’s website for  a provider (that search tool recommended by the partner that doesn’t see children any more), I got very comfortable as I saw BA’s insurance on everybody’s list.  I read this bio that could have been written by a combination of me, a working partner (that is an LPC-s), my favorite Psychology professor, and our retired family counselor.  Her approach sounds perfect.  I go to check her insurance, just to be sure, and, whala, she doesn’t take BA’s.  Uuuuugggghhhhh!!!!

The hunt goes on.  I consider bi-weekly visits for affordability and hope the counselor is game.  I start thinking, ‘her dad should help pay for this.’ as if that might actually happen.  A really funny thought just hit me, ‘isn’t Obamacare supposed to take care of just this sort of problem?’ and now I’m trying my best not to crush my computer as I roll on the floor laughing.  Yeah right!

So, I am patiently waiting return messages from a couple of prospects, and I’m prepared to search on.  I’m lucky on this hunt today though.  I spent eight years learning the ropes of a parent in need of mental health care for kids, then I spent three years studying psychology on a university level, have been in counseling myself for over ten years, work with kids with disabilities with my main focus being mental health, so I’m ahead of the curve.  I’m getting ahead of the problems, I am able to see the possibilities and know my own strengths and weaknesses.  I recognize what I can do, and when I need to step aside to let someone else take care of things.  I’m lucky on this hunt because I am seeking help now, when it’ll help, not later when bad patterns that must be changed are engrained.  Thank you Lord for teaching me to change the things I can change, leave the things alone that I cannot change, and giving me the wisdom to tell the difference.

More Obama Care Woes

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I am all for socialized medicine… just as soon as the politicians have to live with the same healthcare that the rest of the population does.  Seriously, who wouldn’t want to have their health care coverage?  I know I’d love it.  Instead however, our politicians have let us be bullied into Obamacare.  I’ve had issue with Obamacare since the beginning, my biggest issue being that our medical care system is broken beyond repair and anything that piggybacks off of it is just going to make things worse, not better.

The first problem we have is that insurance companies are already deciding our medical care.  It’s the number crunchers that have never been to medical school that tell the doctors when to release someone from the hospital, not the other way around.  There is definitely something wrong with that picture to start with.  Now, we have a medical care plan coming into place that places even more control in the hands of insurance companies.  That really isn’t a good thing.

So, I’m assuming that this gives you an idea of what I think of Obamacare in general. This isn’t my soap box cause though, not even close.  My soap box cause is the pathetic state that mental issues are handled in this country.  I heard once that we don’t have “health care” in this country, but that we have Sick Care.  Mental illnesses are handled so poorly in this nation that we can’t even refer to it as Mental Sick care, it can only be referred to as a farce.

Since I’ve considered Obama Care a sham from the beginning, I only acknowledged what I heard in the media, looked at the generalities of it, and opted not to look into any parts of it.  Then the other day as we were discussing it at work, I made my common statement that if this travesty of a law had done something about our lack of mental health care I would fully support Obama and work towards his next reelection which would entail a constitutional amendment.  Turns out I lied to my coworkers and my boss.  I still can’t support Obama, but I am getting softened towards Obamacare.

I looked it up, and sure enough, Obamacare has a built in parity that gives mental illness care the same coverage as any other medical care.  This is great news!  I’m thrilled with it, it is a step in the right direction.  When I first started writing this blog three days ago, I was all set to praise the glories of Obamacare and just accept the idiotic parts and fix them as they fail, like the Obamacare site was failing.  But as I contemplated and chewed on the information I gleaned from looking at the Obamacare web site, something started nagging at me.

I had told my coworkers and my boss that I couldn’t imagine that with all the online mental health forums and groups I follow, I couldn’t imagine there would be a big boon in the mental health care without my finding out about it.  Why haven’t I heard about this before?  What gives?  There must be something that I had missed, and therefore, I’m going to have to do more research, ugh.  As much as I love research ( I am after all a research junkie) I really don’t like researching anything political.  It takes hours digging through the biased hoopla to find even a semblance of truth.

The thing is, I did something horrible in this instance, something I really am disappointed in myself about.  I closed my mind.  I do my best to stay open minded and not to make uninformed decisions or not try to look at both sides.  Shame on me, but at the same time… better late than never.

My Favorite Child

The other day, my boss told me a story about a Mother she truly admired.  This Mother was a public figure at the time.  A reporter or commentator had asked the lady if she had a favorite child.  She replied “Absolutely!”  The stunned reporter quickly found out that the lady’s favorite child was the one that needed her most at that particular moment.  I had expected something along the lines of “The child I’m with at the moment”, but I was also very impressed by this answer.  I liked it and left it until this morning.

I started thinking about this whole favorite child thing as I was coming back from bringing Barbara Ann to school.  I still couldn’t wrap my head around the whole favorite child thing though, not for me personally.  I just can’t call either of my children a favorite.  The one that needs me the most will get the most support and attention, then later I’ll be tremendously proud of the one that stood by my side and helped me support the one in need, but I just couldn’t think of a time when either of my girls was a favorite.

I mulled the idea of “The child I’m with at the moment” but that didn’t work for me either.  Then I started considering maybe it depends on the activity.  Surely that would cause a favorite, but even that couldn’t start the tinder.  I was struggling because as I thought about this, it just couldn’t be, how can you not have a favorite?  I brooded a little while longer as I tried to master this concept in my mind.  Then I started considering the dynamics of our little family.

The girls are 9 years apart.  Right now, Georgia at 18 is twice as old as Barbara Ann.  They are as different as two siblings can be, behavior and attitude wise.  Georgia is very reserved, keeps her feelings to herself, and shows very little emotion holding in as much as she possibly can.  Barbara Ann wears her feelings on her sleeve, right out in the open.  There is seldom any doubt what so ever how Barbara feels. 

I started considering how I love them each for their unique and individual differences.  Does their age difference make it easier for me to not have a favorite?  Then I started to consider how they each share an equal space together in my heart.  As I visualized this one, my mind’s eye was looking at them in this still beating heart, a real heart, not the cutesy valentine’s one, and they were in distinctly different regions of my heart, each with a matching hold on it.  My mind then started to drift again.

I don’t have much for my personal goals for the girls.  All I want to see is them growing up to be independent adults that don’t need me.  Georgia is already there working two jobs, own car, own place.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not meaning that they don’t need me at all.  Parents are never truly unneeded, no matter how much we’d like to say they aren’t.  We’ll always seek their approval and support, that’s not what I mean.  What I mean is that they can face a crisis, possibly even alone if necessary and still work through it.  Even when we can do that, parental support and caring makes life so much easier.

So, no matter how hard I try, I can’t choose a favorite child.  The one I’m with gets my immediate and sometimes undivided attention, the one that needs me most gets the most attention, but I couldn’t call either of them my favorite without feeling like a fraud.  Maybe it’s the psychology major in me, I don’t know.  But after all of this soul searching, I now know that when someone asks me if I have a favorite child, I can honestly say without fear of a lightning bolt striking me down that “No, I do not have a favorite child, I love them both equally with all of their special little place in my heart.”

Only 22 days until NaNoWriMo!!!

50,000 divided by 30 = 1666.667.  That means that if I’m going to complete NaNoWriMo this year, I will have to complete an average of 1667 words per day for the entire month of November in order to reach the goal of 50,000 words in a month.  I tried to do it last year, and failed miserably.  Day one started out with a bang and I had managed to get 1666 word down on the computer.  Nothing happened on day two, day three I deleted it all, day four I had my NaNoWriMo 2012 high word count of 2003 words, I had broken out of the rut and at that point realized that I wasn’t in love with my story so I did a quick shuffle and changed gears.  On day five I scrapped it all, changed my story and dug in getting all the way up to 856 words.  Three days later I added the last I had in me making it to my 2012 total of 1647 words.

No, I didn’t remember all these details and numbers, I had to go back to last year’s NaNoWriMo stats to get the numbers with which I could tell when I scrapped my first idea.  At least I got that much out of last year’s challenge, right?  So, if I failed so miserably last year, what makes me think I can do it this year you ask?  Ha ha, I have an answer for that one.

Last year in the month of November, I was kind of busy.  I was pitching my Sr. Thesis idea so I could get permission to do a Sr. Project/Thesis instead of the lame ole Sr. Seminar.  I had to present a proposal and find a project leader.  I had three English classes and two Psychology classes, all of which were pretty labor intensive.  I had counted it up that I had 11 papers to do that semester, 11, and that was in addition to the tests and quizzes and such.  Yep, I was pretty busy.

I also had two part time jobs, well actually three and was part of a research project.  I shouldn’t forget to add the girls, one of which was a senior in high school.  So, I guess I was pretty busy, not to mention my muse was heavily tasked at the time.  I may not have been able to get anywhere with NaNoWriMo, but I did manage to finish the semester with a 4.0 and my sanity, so I guess that must have been my priority then, I don’t really remember for sure.  That period of time is just a bit foggy. 

So this year, I only have one job, Georgia is grown up and moved out so I only have one kid.  My one job has a huge event on November 2^nd, after which a strange normalcy is going to hit as the stress of that big event is gone.  My muse has rested up over the last four months and has been bugging me for the last few weeks looking for something to do, and I’ve got ideas floating around in my head and important lessons learned over the last few years on how to coax my muse into action when it gets stubborn.  The stage is being set for me to succeed this year in the NaNoWriMo.

Like any challenge, I’m going to need to get into training and get myself in condition for the task that lies ahead.  I’m going to have to write, and write often (or actually type if you willJ).  I’m starting my conditioning schedule today with my countdown of only 22 days left until NaNoWriMo.  So here I go, day one of my training schedule and I’m presenting you with 667 words.  Only 1000 words short of making the daily goal.  Not a bad start for a warm-up I say.  Expect to hear a lot until November rolls around, when that happens, well, we know where my muse will be.

Bucket List

         

         Long before the movie The Bucket List I had read about making a list of 50 things you want to do before you die, I don’t remember where I’d read it, but I did make a list, several times since I keep losing them.  It would be fascinating to find all the lists I’ve made and see how many things are repeated, but the thing is, I think we all have some sort of a bucket list whether it is written down or not.

          My parents retired early so that they could attack their bucket lists although I don’t know that anything had been written out since this too was long before the movie came out.  They did a lot of things that they hadn’t had time for and they had a great time doing it.  They traveled the country in an RV work camping and seeing as much of the country as they could, sometimes getting to work jobs they’d always wanted to try like being trail guides on a dude ranch.

          After a while, the shiny of regular adventures wore off and they slowed down a bit.  The movie The Bucket List came and went and they still continued on with a contented retirement sharing as many adventure with their grandkids as they could.  Then there was the Mississippi river boat trip.  “It’s on our bucket list,” my Mother had said.  I thought that was great.

          That river trip seemed to set in motion a more sincere attempt to accomplish things on their bucket lists, and the adventurers were back to adventuring.   I found out being in a Musical was on my Mother’s bucket list not that long ago when she started to tell me about the Musical she had gotten a part in.

          Last night I had the privilege of taking Barbara Ann to the final performance of Rogers and Hammerstein’s The King and I at the Playhouse 2000 so she could have her turn to watch Sjona Mör in a play.  The Playhouse in Kerrville puts on first rate productions; they even had a live orchestra in the pit so everything was live!  I am so proud of both my parents and happy for them too, making sure to live life to the fullest always.  They don’t talk about doing things, they do them, and my Mother jumped into the world of the stage with both feet so she could cross off one more thing on her list.

          So tell me, what’s on your bucket list?

What a Productive Day!

            Finally!  A productive day!  I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels for such a long time, it is nice to feel as though I have accomplished something.  Actually, I accomplished a lot today, something I haven’t been able to say for some time.  My office is still a mess, my room is a tripping ground, and I’ve only managed to pack two boxes for the day, yet, this has been one of my most productive days in a long time.

            I made it to work, which was a big deal this morning.  Poor Gizmo had a belly ache or something last night and threw up twice; one of those times was on my bed.  Yuck!  For those who know me, needless to say, I was joining him by the time I got things cleaned up, twice.  Again, Yuck!  I wasn’t firing on all eight cylinders this morning.  Classes went well though, I think the instructor in training I am mentoring got something out of what we were doing, at least she said so.  I also gave my name, number, and e-mail address to a lady who has connections for being an extra in movies, primarily westerns!  Awesome!

            Got the chain saw running without any trouble, although I didn’t get things cleared for the delivery guy as well as I would have liked.  My refrigerator was delivered, I was able to visit with the awesome people I work with and then I even came home despite my greatest reservations.  Yes, I had reservations… okay; I plain didn’t want to come home.  I knew what was ahead of me. 

            I found floor, and lots of it.  It is amazing how much trash an eight year old can generate.  She had help, yes, much more than she should have, but that kid can generate some trash.  It only took me about three hours, but I nearly filled a box with some of her things and filled one of those big 55 gallon contractor trash bags half way.  You can also safely walk through the den and the hallway between the den and kitchen.  Boy do I have a lot of laundry to catch up on. 

           Tomorrow, I’m going to attack BA’s toy area.  If all goes well, it will all be packed up and ready to go.  One week until the yard sale and two until we move.  It’s time to get the show on the road.  Wish me luck, and I think God would probably be okay with me asking for a few prayers for this one.  J  God Bless and have a happy Sunday, I expect I will.

I Walked

Today was graduation.  It’s official; I walked the stage to receive my diploma, be hooded, and received my honor cord for Magna Cum Laude.  I had many friends walked the stage as well.  The speakers at both the Baccalaureate and the Commencement ceremony were great.  It was as though they were speaking directly to me; their messages were so in line with where my life is right now.  I was truly amazed, and it is now sinking in that they were signs for me, signs to reassure me that I am doing what God wants me to do right now.  I feel so humbled.

This will make more sense if I explain a bit about my philosophy of life.  I’ve followed this philosophy for as long as I can remember.  I have free will, and I can do whatever I want to do, but things will go a lot easier if I follow the path the Lord has set out for me.  When a door is opened, I need to pay attention and go through it while it is there, if not, the path is likely to get pretty rocky.  I know this, because I’ve travelled that rocky road a couple of times.  I’ve learned to watch for, listen to, and understand the signs that are sent my way.  Life is a journey in which I travel through, and each experience I have had prepares me in some way for the next one to come.  The path I am to follow isn’t always easy, and during those times I get extra support.  God has a purpose for me, this I know, but I also know I will probably never truly understand what it is, not while I dwell here on earth anyway.

Last Sunday, I went to church with my parents at a little Methodist church in Medina.  The preacher was talking about death.  He asked us if we knew how long we had on the earth.  I knew the answer to that, but I didn’t tell him.  Learning that answer is part of everyone’s journey through life, at least that is what I believe.  We can be told by people, and I’m sure my philosophy is not new or unique, but I do think that we have to learn it not just in our heads, but also in our hearts and souls.  I’ll be here on this earth until I’ve fulfilled the role God has set out for me.  I have no idea when that time will be up, nor do I really care, I just suspect it’s a ways away.  Even still, I work to make sure my soul is ready any day, that’s just the way I am I guess. 

Yet, today I walked; I walked the stage for graduation.  A chapter of my life’s story has ended, or perhaps I should be saying my next journey has begun.  When I’m done, God will let me know, I only have to listen and pay attention.

The next chapter of my life starts kind of like this…

Recently graduated from College the single mom of two, has just moved into a little place in the country. Her oldest daughter graduated from high school yesterday and is already embarking on a life of her own, her youngest daughter is still in elementary school.  She has this truly awesome job, but it is part time.  She will have to struggle to get by until she can work full time again, but it will all be alright, she has her best friend right next to her, by her side.  She’s walking hand in hand with Jesus Christ as she embarks on this latest journey in her life.  

Just not too sure how I feel about this

The girls had this incredible opportunity, a chance to go to a lecture given by a New York talent scout.  So, I took them.  That’s what you do isn’t it?  When your kids enjoy performing arts, you bring them to the agent to learn something.  It hadn’t even occurred to me how stupid and insane this was until it was all over with.  Why on earth would I bring my kids to one of these talent scouts to be looked over like a yearling at a Thoroughbred sale?  I didn’t think, as usual, I just did it.

I certainly did not expect this to be a life changing event or anything other than something to do with the girls that they might like.  The guy was good.  There wasn’t a single thing he told the kids that couldn’t be applied to life in general.  By the time he was done with the lecture, I was hoping one of the girls would be chosen so that I’d have a chance to get all smooshy and pick his brain.  That opportunity of course did not happen, but here is what did happen, an incredible dialog with my first baby girl.  I should have recorded it so I could give you a blow by blow account of the conversation; instead I’ll just have to give you the Reader’s Digest condensed version.

I found out why my incredibly creative and talented daughter decided to go into medicine, something I thought was a complete waste, and yes, I’m the parent that tells their kid ‘what do you mean you want to go into medicine?  Wouldn’t you rather get a degree in … (usually some form of artsy liberal arts concentration)?’  Talk about getting excited!  My first baby girl wants to pursue theatre again!  How great is that?  I am so excited I can burst!  This is some of the best news I’ve heard in years, and I’ve heard a lot of good news lately.

So, you are now probably wondering, (I know I would be) why I have such mixed feelings about this.  It is the why she dropped interest in her passion.  I wasn’t aware that people were telling her she was no good.  I’m not as upset with those naysayers as I am with myself.  How can I call myself even a mediocre parent if I was completely unaware this was happening?  As this great youth talent scout was speaking, I was feeling guilty and inattentive as a parent as thoughts about my second baby girl were going through my mind.  The guy had five never fail rules to being successful in the performing arts industry.  The first one was “Practice being aware of your feelings- especially how you feel about yourself” (Sklar).  This one piece of advice is invaluable in any part of life, and last night I began to question how well I have facilitated this application in my children’s lives.

Yes, I’m torn after this talk last night; I’m feeling like a terrible parent.  I’m also feeling incredibly enlightened and blessed for this opportunity to recognize and then stare my faults in the face, so that I can regroup, reassess, and make some changes.  Thanks Pdawg.

I'm on the homestretch y'all!

I’m on the homestretch.  I have one paper to write and turn in, my thesis is ready to send to the reader on my thesis committee, and I have a journal left to complete, and that’s it!  Just over a week to go, and I will be an official College graduate!  Barbara is doing much better, I’m able to help out a friend that is having surgery, and I’m beginning to feel like a bona fide grown up.  Look out world!  Here I come!!!!

So seriously, graduation is just around the corner.  My trip to London was cancelled (not enough people L )  so I took the money from that and put a down payment on my new to me truck.  It’s sweet.  I feel so lucky to have found her.  Tinker Bell (and yes, that is my truck’s name) is a bare bones Ford F-250 with every towing feature already on her that I would know to look for.  She has a gas engine and got 14 miles to the gallon first drive out.  I’m impressed. 

It was kind of funny when I went to the car lot.  I was in capris, flip-flops with bling, and a top that matched.  I told the guy I was looking for a Ford pickup and he seemed hesitant to show me Tink because she is just a work truck.  I changed into jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers when I went back to bring her in to my mechanic.  That seemed to make the salesman feel a little better.  The best part of it all?  I got this truck with payments that I can afford on a loan that is less than two years!  I’m thrilled!  God was watching out for me when he sent me to that particular car lot that day.

So, after I graduate, I will have a whopping two weeks to get everything packed up to move to Pipe Creek so that I can be closer to work.  Barbara Ann and I will be moving into the Armadillo house,

 

 it is on acreage, 

backs up to what is a beautiful creek when it rains, has beautiful bluffs,

 and this lovely little office 

away from the house so that I can have a quiet place to work.  Not only will I have a quiet place to work on my writing and illustrating, but it has windows!!!  It has windows!!!!  Okay, so I miss having a window in my office.

So here I am, I graduate soon, have a job to go to, and a new (to me) truck.  I’m going to be a bona-fide grown up (well as close as I'll ever get ;-) ).  I’m on the homestretch y’all!  Cheer me on!

Back home and I guess it's time to get back to work.

            We are home, and it finally happened and I am so happy to be getting it over with.  I’m just not as tough as I used to be, I think I’m finally getting over my sick from fatigue.  I thought Saturday was bad, then yesterday I did nothing but sleep most of the day.  I could have slept better last night, but it was restful.  I’m still struggling today.  I guess my greatest fear when I get hit by these fatigue driven illnesses is that I am relapsing with the yeast thing.  The Good News is however… Barbara Ann wants to go back to school… now.

            The little stinker is doing great!  She’s still tender and very defensive of the surgery site, but otherwise she’s Barbara Ann all the way.  We have taken this time to do some catch up on some things and we're getting the house cleaned up. I’m about to go into overdrive on homework, so I’m hoping that everything I’ve done will be maintained.  Georgia has her last after school band practice today… her last UIL is on Wednesday.  It won’t be long before she up and moves out.

            Well, it is time for me to get busy on the homework.  I have way too much to do in far too short a time-frame to play around anymore.  I just wanted to share this picture of Barbara Ann and one of the kitties before I sign off for a while.  I’ll be back, when, I’m not positive, but hopefully before graduation.

We are Home!

It’s official!  We are home!  Yes, that’s right, all three of us are here and going to be sleeping under the same roof again.  Hallelujah!  What an insanely long and trying week!  We are so lucky.

Okay, more like blessed.  Barbara’s first roommate was three and had an appendectomy; another on the floor was five.  Holy cow!  So young.  Then there is the second roommate.  Seventeen, been in the hospital (with a two day hiatus because she was released too soon after her first surgery) since March 28^th.  They finally found out today why she still couldn’t eat and she’s going to need another surgery.  Human error had occurred during the first surgery.

Then this morning, Merida from Disney on Ice Rockin’ Ever After was at the hospital to visit the kids.  Suddenly, our week long ordeal didn’t seem like much at all.  Barbara was one of the healthier patients there, even considering that it was her discharge day.  Appendicitis is a big deal and can be deadly if not treated in time, but treated in time; it is a routine surgery, even when there are complications.  As I looked at the many kids in the lobby, touched by the lady giving up her chair for my healthy eight year old daughter that had just had an appendectomy, I realized that despite her surgery Barbara Ann is a very healthy little girl.

An Angel struck before we made it back up the elevator to Barbara’s room to finish the discharge process.  I had promised Barbara Ann a visit to the gift shop, and was determined to get her a little something.  She found an animal (stuffed of course) that she fell in love with.  When she found another that tugged at her heart I said okay since between the two was what I had expected to pay for one.  Just before checkout, I put our items on the counter and then went to look at this absolutely adorable purse.  Yep, my weakness, purses and handbags, go figure.  I turned away from the purse at the advice of BA (she said it had too much bling for me) and I was informed that our items had already been paid for, was given the ladies name and informed there was no way for me to find her and thank her.  She wanted to do something nice for a child in the hospital.  It was an Angel that bought Barbara her little animals.

Then another dose of reality hit when I saw a lady from the business office at Schreiner University as I was loading up BA and our accumulated things, actually she saw me.  I shared our tale, and then asked why she was there.  I had forgotten that I had prayed for her and her husband earlier in the week, he’d had back surgery.  Suddenly my aches and pains from sleeping in the fold away bed seemed much more manageable.

So, we are home, and I am grateful for the good health we enjoy.  Yes, Barbara had a life threatening condition, had it gone much longer, her prognosis as I understand it would have dropped dramatically, but she’s healthy and is recovering quickly.  My back and neck are sore, but nothing a hot bath and a couple of nights on a comfortable bed won’t take care of.  Georgia (the same age as the second roommate) although having gone through a time when her health was poor, is a very healthy young lady.  We are blessed, every day, and I wanted to make sure that I expressed my humble gratitude.

           

Humbly and undeservingly yours, I bid you ado.

Laura B

The good news is...

The good news is, Barbara Ann is terrorizing the hospital.  Okay, maybe not quite, but she is certainly acting more and more like herself, the little stinker.  Her friend Peyton came to visit tonight and we walked her down to the first floor.  The girls waited and aggravated Georgia (thoroughly) playing with the automatic doors (by accident of course) until Peyton was finally distracted by the fish in the aquarium.  Then the girls stood admiring the fish until Peyton’s mom made it around with her car.  It was great to see.  Miss BA was standing up tall and looking good.

The latest word is that BA will most likely be going home tomorrow.  They’ll be checking white blood cell count and pulling her drain tube out.  It’s incredible how fast this little girl is healing.  Thank you Lord!

Thank you God the News is Good!

The news is good!  The doctor is very impressed with Barbara Ann’s recovery.  She has been fever free for quite some time, hasn’t had pain meds since I’ve been here this time, and they’ve started her back on her ADHD medication.  Little Miss is eating and keeping it down, and just plain looking better.  Once the drain tube is out, she has another day and then a blood test will determine whether or not her white blood count is low enough for discharge. 

Once again, prayers have been answered.  Our God is an Awesome God!  Our baby girl was so very sick when she was admitted into the hospital.  She was not expected to make a speedy recovery, but God has granted her the strength to do so.  Thank You God!

Why are you here?

“Why are you here?” my professor asked when I explained to him why my phone was on and I might up and leave the classroom unexpectedly.  I already knew that question was coming, so I was prepared.  “If I let this crisis define me, I am lost.”  It all made more sense to him when I mentioned Barbara’s Dad being there with her as well.  Actually,  to him, and most of the class for that matter, that tidbit was a better explanation of why I was in class and not with Barbara Ann.  Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that folks don’t get it, and this was one of those times. 

Unfortunately, this isn’t my first crisis with a child.  I’ve learned the importance of not letting a crisis take control of you, if not, I wouldn’t have left this hospital even if the ex refused to leave.  It’s that simple.  I would have at one point in my life probably slept on the floor if necessary so as not to leave.  I've learned since then however that you just can’t let the crisis rule your life; you have to keep life moving.

            Barbara Ann is up and walking on her own now.  She goes to the bathroom with only the help of a step stool for getting out of the bed, and she knows to wait until an adult unplugs her IV contraption, but she could do that herself if she needed to.  She had her first solid food tonight, a hamburger and tatortots.   Barbara Ann is getting better every minute of the day; her little body is healing and recovering.  What more could I want for her?  Okay, short of never having become ill, yes that would have been far preferable, but that should be a given.

So, why was I there today?  For me, because I needed that diversion, that sense of normalcy, a reminder that no matter what happens in hospitals day in and day out that life goes on.  If James hadn’t stayed the night with her, I wouldn’t have been gone for long, but I would still have been gone.  Barbara Ann too needs to know that the world doesn’t stop for each individual crisis.

Class was great, I’m glad I recorded it because I missed about half of it.  I’m tired, frustrated, and bone weary.  I’m sore, my diet has been lousy, and I haven’t been able to be consistent with my own health needs, but life still goes on.  I’m now twelve hours closer to the deadline for my Sr. Thesis than I was when I visited with my thesis advisor, because life goes on.  In time, I’m sure I will leave crisis mode and these past few days and the week ahead will hit me, but until then, life goes on, and will continue to do so, even during and after my inevitable breakdown.  That’s the way it is, because as we all know…

Life goes on.

                          

                                                             Another time when life had to go on.

Thank You God?

Why is it that we are the most grateful for things when they are nearly taken away?  What is it about mankind that we can’t appreciate, and I mean really appreciate what we have, all the time?  I Thank God daily for my many blessings and I make it a point to think about them individually when I do, not just rattle of a general thanks.  Some nights I struggle to get detailed, others my focus is there and I can do it regularly.  I really do my best to stop my brain from spinning long enough to respectfully Thank God, to think about and truly appreciate our many blessings.

Still, somehow, I just don’t realize how many blessings we have until they are nearly or totally lost.  The blessings of food, a roof over our heads, cloths on our backs, and having the bills paid so I’m not scared to answer the door.  Those I always remember, and am always ready to Thank God for.  Those are the blessings I still struggle to maintain through the grace of God.  I now think about our health, especially with my Dad’s recent string of maladies.  One of our volunteers at the ranch was severely injured in a motorcycle accident, I know our health is a blessing, I guess I just didn’t realize how much, just how very much until this weekend.

It was just yesterday that it finally hit just how very sick Barbara Ann is.  I tend to look at health in the aspect of the outcome.  Sure… I feel like I’m going to die but I will be fully recovered in a few days, so really, my health is good.  Barbara Ann is expected to make a full recovery.  That isn’t in question, but right now, she is so very sick.  Today… finally… she gets to start a liquid diet.  Her Foley Catheter was removed, they started the process of inching her drain tube out, and these are all signs of recovery.  BA went poop today!!  That’s an even greater accomplishment and a sign she is improving.

I hadn't realized until last night just why I am able to look at good health as being there even when someone is as ill as Barbara Ann is today.  She will recover this I know.  God has been with her every step of the way; he gave us the miracle of modern medicine.  Barbara is sick only temporarily because of her good health.  Had she not been the robustly healthy little girl she was, would her prognosis be so good?  Would she have made it this far?  I Thank God for our good health, but I don’t think I truly understood what it meant until yesterday, the day when my brain stopped spinning long enough for me to realize just how sick my baby girl is.  When I question thanking God, it is not questioning whether or not we should.  I know we should, we should Thank God each and every day for all of our blessings.  What I’m questioning about Thanking God is, have I ever given him the Thanks he deserves?  

Ironic Humor, at least it was.

                    

Irony, it’s one of those things that can make us laugh, and usually does.  I make a point to find humor in irony.  Actually, I try to find humor in everything and Friday this entire ideology was tested.  I was able to crack jokes, and laugh at the irony despite my baby girl’s very serious illness.

Barbara Ann is in the hospital, recovering from an appendectomy that turned out to be much more involved than originally expected.  Her appendix had apparently gone behind her colon, broken to pieces as it had adhered to her abdominal wall.  In hearing the doctor talking, it seems as though the appendix being adhered to the abdominal wall is what kept the pain down.  We are now praying that the surgeon had been able to get everything out and that his first time to operate will be his only time.  Yes, it was that bad.

How did I find humor in this? Irony.  It really was funny, before we started having to get an eight year old little girl to walk when she is in excruciating pain, or see the agony in her face when a wave of pain hits.  It was funny before the reality of just how sick my baby girl is set in.

I had taken Miss Barbara to the pediatrician Friday, the same pediatrician that had sent Georgia to the ER multiple times to rule out the appendicitis she never had.  Barbara’s fever had broken and her pain was down quite a bit when we got to the doctor.  Since Georgia had recently had a stomach bug, it was a reasonable explanation that Barbara’s pain was a stomach virus overreacting.  That sounded good to me and we went home with instructions to keep fluids going and wait until after BA’s bowels had started moving before introducing food.  If her pain got worse instead of better, and was continuous, then we should look at taking her into the hospital on the weekend.

As Georgia and I were taking Barbara to the Emergency Room in Boerne, I was feeling bad for the pediatrician.  All those times he sent Georgia to the ER to rule out appendicitis, and watch this be the time he didn't send someone and should have.  “He’ll send kids to the ER for a splinter after this,” we laughed.  We played with the irony and kept our spirits buoyed.  Even after BA had been officially diagnosed as having appendicitis, and the diagnosis included evidence that her appendix was perforated, we still found the humor. We told the ambulance attendant our ironic “joke” on the way to the Children’s hospital during the transfer.  We even got a laugh out of Barbara’s dad.  We were able to enjoy the joke until sometime yesterday.  I think it was losing its charm as the reality of BA’s condition started to settle in.

After yet another sleepless night, and watching my brave little trooper struggling to walk, I’m wondering how I had found the humor.  I do know me, my sense of humor, and the resiliency of us all, so I’m sure in time it will be even funnier.  Right now though, I’m just grateful that God has allowed the creation of modern medicine so that we can have miracles every day.  Through this miracle, my baby girl will live, the same miracle that saved Georgia when her flu had gotten so bad it took IV fluids to bring her fever down and allow her to recover.  Thank you God!  THANK YOU!!!!

My muse is back!

Yes, it’s been forever since I posted and I feel like a stranger at my own blog.  So much has happened in the last couple of months, I think it’d make anybody’s head spin.  I’m not going to go into what all it did to my head.  You’re welcome.  J

My muse was lost, okay, that is part of what happened in my head but that’s all I’m going to admit to.   I would sit down at the computer, look at the empty word page and my brain would freeze.  I swear, it was better than any meditation I’d ever done.  Maybe writer’s block isn’t so bad.  Yeah… no.  I couldn’t even think of what to write while I was driving, doing homework, spending time with the kids, it was truly awful.  I even tried to sit down and just start typing what came into my head, like I did just now.  (Oops, did I really type that?)  When words won’t fall out of my fingertips, I know I’m in trouble.

Then one day, I went to court and finalized my divorce.  Finally.  Before I left the court building, all I could think about was getting back home to the computer to write.  Ideas started flooding my head for a paper that was a month past due.  I was actually able to read and digest homework assignments and completed my mid-term project in a matter of a few short hours.  So, with my muse back and anxious to exercise my brain, it only makes sense that I come back here to share it with you all.

Time is still at a premium for me, but by the middle of April, my two huge projects for school will be over (whether I complete them or not) and I’m looking forward to making writing something that isn’t an essay a part of my life again.

Here’s hoping and praying you are all well and happy, and thanks for reading!

Laura B.

The comeback me!

I’m back to work and loving it.  Yep, that’s right, getting the hours in and doing what I love to do, well, most of the time.  Things haven’t started kicking in at the writing center yet, so I haven’t done any tutoring, but I have been able to get some work study stuff done and a bit of homework.  I am looking forward to tutoring again.  It won’t be long I’m sure.

One of the horses, Banjo is as happy to be back to work as I am.  Banjo has been out with illness and injury for several months now.  At one point, we were considering putting him down since his condition had ruled out retirement.  He was reaching out for his kid Friday, and even let the child put his halter on upside down.  Banjo had been abused before coming to us, and the kid being so small had to approach him in ways that he typically will not tolerate.  It was great to see!

Taxes are done, and I was able to go see Jade and even trim her hooves.  I had two very long days in a row, (12 hours Friday, and 8 by the time I got done playing with Jade yesterday) and I got home feeling great!  I haven’t felt this good and energetic since before I had pneumonia two years ago.  This candida diet… it’s absolutely wonderful!  I can function without the constant fatigue again!  I love it! 

          So, what do I do with my new found energy?  Play catch up.  The nice thing is, this time in playing catch up is not wearing me down to nothing!  I’m just thrilled with how I am feeling!  I’ve been steadily losing weight, my skin is getting healthier and I don’t itch all over like I had been, especially my scalp.  Yes, January is running to an end, and things are beginning to pick up again.  I’m beginning to love my life again!  So many things that yeast overgrowth was affecting, it’s like being reborn.  And the funny thing is, I really am not craving the foods I’m supposed to avoid any more.  Incredible!

The best part, I’m back to work again, and I am able to do my job in a way that I can be proud of again.  I hope you are having as great a year as my comeback has become!

Glug, glug, glug

Glug, glug, glug, glug, that is the sound of me drowning.  That’s what if feels like right now anyway.  I’m sinking deeper and deeper in the hole of bureaucratic red tape.  I guess that just goes with the territory when you rely on the government for, well, everything.

I’m a disabled vet trying to get a college degree so that I can find gainful employment in a job that won’t hurt, all the time.  I have this totally awesome part time job (one of three right now), but even if I could do it full time, my back would not tolerate it.  My other two jobs are tutoring jobs, so I’m sitting at those.  I can’t sit all day either, my back won’t tolerate that.  I’m currently working on making my totally awesome part time job into a full time job that I can physically do.  That would mean combining some of the office work into my job description. 

I only have one class left to graduate and I was approved to take a full time course load on December 14, 2012 by my fourth VA case worker.  Well, my fifth VA case worker sees things differently and now I have a bunch of documents that need to be created so I can submit them.  No, I don’t get to create the documents.  So, here I am now that classes have begun both in school and at the ranch, next week the writing center opens and I have to have the schedule completed before then, plus the extra side job (computer tutoring) that I started this morning, I get to track people down and ask them to please write statements or make documents for me.  Ugh!

I don’t think I would be so frustrated at that, except the VA has closed down the hospital in Kerrville.  I have no other insurance.  We also do not have an urgent care clinic.  This is a great inconvenience to me and very frustrating since if I am ever ill enough or injured bad enough to need the hospital, I will not be in the condition to drive all the way to San Antonio.  It is dicey as to whether the VA would pay for me to have urgent care at the local hospital, not that I’d want to.  It’s not known for successful recoveries.

When I think of Veterans who are much worse off than me I am furious.  Kerrville is a retirement community.  Most of the Veterans that were serviced at our hospital couldn’t have driven to San Antonio to start with.  I’ve been in the system for quite some time.  There are Veterans that ride out at the ranch that are not getting the care they need because of all the bureaucratic red tape that gets in the way.  The cutbacks are making it harder and harder for our real heroes (I am so not in that group) to get the help they need to transition back to civilian life after combat. 

I feel very bad right now because I snapped at my newest caseworker (through e-mail) in my frustration.  I know she is just trying to do her job the best that she can, and that she has no control over the underlying issues, but that was the proverbial change that broke this camel’s back.  I did apologize. 

I don’t even get to speak to this woman face to face.  I have doctors I see through a TV screen, it’s called telemed.  I really don’t like the telemed, I find it offensive.  There are face to face appointments, but I don’t take them.  There are others that need that face to face a lot more than I do. 

That’s my rant for today, and I’m afraid that is just what it is.  I’m frustrated for myself and totally appalled at the way our service members and veterans are being treated.  We were never supposed to get the Cadillac treatment, but we were supposed to get the Chevy treatment.  Somehow, it has started trickling down to the rent-a-wreck treatment.  What a way to thank those who keep us free.

Back to Work

I’ll finally be going back to work today.  I will be teaching a new class to me tonight and then tomorrow I get to start back with my Saturday kids.  I’m looking forward to it.  It will be nice to feel productive again. 

          My new class is the Veterans.  My usual Friday night class has been dissolved as the youth home that we had been working with has once again at the last minute decided they don’t have any kids to send.  There are people out talking to another youth facility as I type setting them up to take the place of the others.  We’ve been trying to find a place in our schedule for this group, so that should work out pretty well. 

          I’m looking forward to working with the veterans.  This will be a new population for me, and the folks in this class have been pretty consistent.  I will be working with one of our other instructors, taking it over I think.  He does not have his certification, so a certified instructor has to be present.  The other instructor is however, is finishing his pre-requisites for medical school.  He was originally planning to be a Physical Therapist, but he had professors tell him “no” that he needed to go to medical school instead.  I believe he will still be doing physical therapy work, but he will get his doctorate and be even more qualified.

          The nice part with working with him is he is gracious about sharing his knowledge.  I don’t work with many kids with physical disabilities, so that has become my weak area.  The mental and emotional I’m on top of, plus it is my topic of study. I do need to be better qualified in the physical disabilities area though, even if just for my own peace of mind.   

          I will be picking up another new class as well, one that is new for me, and returning for the ranch.  This will be a group of students from the special education program in a local school district.  I’m really excited about this one for several reasons.  One, I will get to meet the kids, do the intakes myself, and will be working with educators to create a curriculum for the kids.  The curriculum will be based on the areas the children need to strengthen in the school setting.  I will actually know what is expected of me as an instructor and what outcomes are expected.  This will be great!

          What makes it all even better is Triple-H will occupy my Fridays and Saturdays only.  I will have Mondays thru Thursdays open for school.  Classes start on Wednesday, and the Writing Center will open the following Tuesday.  It will be nice to be back in the swing of things.  I don’t know what I’m going to do once I graduate other than go through information withdrawals. 

          Health wise I’m doing much better now.  The diet I’m on is trying, but doable.  I’m feeling ten times better, and much better than I have for a long time.  Soon I’ll be able to start adding fruits to my diet, which I am looking forward to.  Funny thing, I’m not craving sweets at all anymore, as a matter of fact, they just look kind of yucky right now.  That has never happened to me before and I’m even dropping water weight at an expediential rate, another new thing in my experiences.

          The world is a great and beautiful place, as long as that’s what we want it to be.  I thank God for the many blessings he has bestowed upon us all and I pray that in our ever hectic society we all have a chance to pause and see what great things he has given us.

          

The Epiphany of Kings Day

Eleven years ago today, I learned about the Epiphany, Kings Day.  Actually, eleven years ago today, I learned that there is a day known as the Epiphany, or Kings Day.  I learned that such a day exists eleven years ago because that was when Gramps passed.  Aunt Mary had said how fitting it was that Gramps of all people pass on Kings Day.  I developed a vague idea of its meaning, but that was about it.  I just knew that Kings Day was an extra special day, not only was it the day representing the Kings arrival to visit Jesus, but it was also the day that Gramps arrived in Heaven to be with Grandma, John, Chris, Grandma Hayes, and so many other wonderful people.  It was also the day Gramps got to go home to his Lord and Savior.

Like all knowledge, we learn more as time goes on and we learn what questions to ask.  Over that eleven year span, I learned that in truth, Christmas starts on December 25.  Christmas day is the First Day of Christmas. The Twelve Days of Christmas represent from the birth of Jesus until the Three Wise Men came and presented the Baby Jesus with Gold, Frankincense, and Mur.

This year we were unable to celebrate Kings Day.  To me it is as important a part of the Church Calendar as Christmas and Easter, but somehow it has been nearly forgotten.  I have a professor from England.  Last year he was telling us how surprised he was his first Christmas in the United States.  There was this huge build up until Christmas day, and then the day after Christmas it was over with.  It’s funny that our nation, a great Christian nation races to one of the greatest days of the year to only drop it the next day.

I don’t know how other churches do it, but the Catholic Church celebrates the Sundays of Christmas as well as the days of Christmas and Kings Day during Mass.  If you are not paying close attention and asking questions however, you are going to miss it.  It is almost as though there is a secret club of people who truly understand and celebrate the days of Christmas as they are meant, not by happenstance because the day falls on a Sunday. 

The kids had learned that different vestments meant different things, and that certain colors represented different Church seasons.  I learned these things through participating as a volunteer in many of the church activities, Vacation Bible Schools, and etc.  I also had the privilege of attending RCIA as an adult in an absolutely incredible Parish. 

Most people I talk to about our Celebration of the Twelve Days of Christmas are learning something new that they had never heard of.  I had thought I was particularly ignorant in not knowing the 12 days begins and not ends on Christmas day, but I’m finding that I wasn’t.  Very few people I know or meet are aware that Christmas day begins the 12 days, that of course comes quite a bit from the commercialization of Christmas.

The commercialization is why I really like to celebrate the 12 Days of Christmas.  All the bling of Christmas is over on the Second Day of Christmas, then you are starting to celebrate the true meaning of it all, at least that is what it feels like to me.  I’ve yet been able to pull off all twelve days and this year has been the worst since I discovered what the Twelve Days of Christmas are about. 

Today is the Twelfth Day of Christmas and I feel as though I have missed Christmas all together.  It’s hard to imagine that the New Year is beginning this way.  I use the excuse that I was sick for most of the break, the thing is that it is just that, an excuse.  The gravity of the day had not hit me until I viewed this picture my brother posted on Facebook.  Yes, Facebook of all places reminded me of what today is.

Our God is an Awesome God, and a forgiving God.  That is why the reality of Christmas can be felt and celebrated, even though late, through the beauty of a picture.  Thank you BJ for sharing this great piece of artwork and therefore helping me to start off the New Year in a good place. 

May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You Always, all of you.